The following myths are heard often in adoption. You may or may not be exposed to any of these myths in your own experience, but I felt it was important to refute these myths. - Monkia Zimmeran, Birth
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Myth: You must choose adoption before the baby is born. Fact: You are that baby’s mother. There is nothing legally that will prevent you from walking out of the hospital/birth experience with your baby. If a negative home environment or lack of financial support is a contributing factor to your decision then you may personally feel it’s impossible for you to take your baby home and then decide. Myth: You must choose an adoptive family for your baby before she or he is born. Fact: This is similar to the myth that says you need to choose adoption before your baby is born. Don’t allow the fact that your baby might be born soon cause you to rush into selection of your child’s adoptive parents. You will have to live with this decision for the rest of your life. It is important to take your time. Myth: If you choose an adoptive family before the birth, you cannot change your mind once the baby is born. Fact: You have every right to change your mind. You may change your mind and decide to parent your baby or you may decide upon an adoptive family that you think will be a better match. As I’ve stated before, whatever decision you make you will have to live with for the rest of your life. It’s important that you make the one that you feel is best for your baby and for you. Myth: Once you’ve made an inquiry into the possibility of making an adoption choice, you are a birth mother. Fact: You are not a birth mother until after you terminate your legal parental rights, and then only if that is the title you wish to take. Any adoption agency or facilitator may try to call you this out of respect, but it is important to stand up for yourself. If you allow yourself to be addressed that way, it will create the illusion that you don’t have the ability to change your mind. Myth: All open adoptions are the same. Fact: Any relationship will differ from person to person or from group to group. I can almost guarantee that your relationships with different friends are slightly different even if you’re the common denominator. Open adoption relationships are no different from any other relationship. They take work to maintain and grow. The open adoption relationship I have with my daughter and her parents will be different than yours should you decide to place your child for adoption. Myth: Open adoption is co-parenting. Fact: Though you will remain your child’s biological parent even after legally terminating your parental rights, you are not your child’s parent in the same way you would be if you were raising your child. Unless your child’s adoptive parents specifically ask you how you would handle a situation, you will not be giving parenting advice. Myth: Open adoption eliminates the lifetime feelings of loss a mother experiences after placing her child for adoption. Fact: I briefly mentioned this in my definition of open adoption. Open adoption will not eliminate the lifetime feelings of loss that you will experience should you choose adoption. In fact, sometimes it more acutely brings to awareness the events and everyday occurrences that you are missing. Myth: It is better for my child if I just “move on” with my life after adoption and leave him or her with his or her “real” parents. Fact: Adoption causes trauma for the child. Birth causes trauma to a child even if that child is raised by his or her biological mother after birth. Most children cope well with this trauma of loss, but it is our responsibility to minimize that trauma. Increasing research states that children adopted at birth who have some sort of contact with their biological family grow up with a greater sense of self-worth than children who do not. I believe my own father would have been better equipped to handle his own issues if he’d had contact with his biological family. Myth: Birth parents are not “real” parents. Fact: Birth parents and adoptive parents are both real parents. When we terminate our legal rights to parent our children it does not magically erase biological parentage. I am my daughter’s real mom just as her adoptive mom is real. My role in my daughter’s life does not detract from her mother’s role, and her mother’s role does not detract from mine.
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Here are the same myths, but answered from an adoptive parents perspective. - Charmaine Graham, Adoptive Mother
Myth: You have to choose adoption before the baby is born. Fact: No, you do not. In fact, while it is obviously appropriate to think about and investigate your options regarding adoption, the farther along in your pregnancy you are, the better it is before you have to make a final decision. I believe that no woman can decide to place a child before she feels that child move inside her, before she can really see life playing out with the reality of a child on the horizon. You should wait until you are in the final stages of your pregnancy to really make a decision whether adoption is best for you and your child. Also, you need to talk to those involved in your pregnancy in order to give yourself a whole perspective. Talk to a counsellor to help you make your decision, and realize that sometimes the adoption decision can’t be made until after your child is born. Myth: You must choose an adoptive family for your baby before she or he is born. Fact: No, you do not have to choose a family prior to your child’s birth. In fact, perhaps you’re in a scenario where you might lose custody of your children for various reasons. Rather than losing them to the system, you might have the opportunity to choose an adoptive family yourself. Make no decisions until you know exactly what is happening in your heart as well as in your life. Be aware, however, that in Canada, if you leave it to the last minute before birth, your child will spend a few days or even a couple of weeks in foster care until the Ministry approves your adoption. FYI: The birth mother from our second adoption was able to visit her daughter in foster care during the approval process. Myth: If you choose an adoptive family before the birth, you cannot change your mind once the baby is born. Fact: Wrong. Until your parental rights are legally terminated, YOU are that child's parent, and YOU get to decide what happens. Personally, I think Internet match-based adoptions have the potential to become quite complicated because potential birth parents and adoptive parents, negotiate, communicate and talk a great deal prior to the birth, sometimes even for months. This scenario can make some birth mothers feel obligated to place their child with a particular family even if, after the birth, the birth mom has a change of heart. Consider using an agency to help you navigate the adoption process if this is a concern for you. Myth: Once you’ve made an inquiry into the possibility of making an adoption choice, you are a birth mother. Fact: Again, no. You are not a birth mother until your consent is given and your waiting period has passed. And then there are many other terms that you can choose. I personally like to refer to my children's other mothers their "First Mothers" or as their "Mothers", plain and simple. Yes, sometimes it confuses the people around us, but we like to educate and we have no problem explaining. My children have chosen to refer to their other moms as their “birth mother” or simply by inserting “Miss” in front of their first name. Myth: All open adoptions are the same. Fact: I have yet to know two open adoptions that are the same, and why would anyone expect that they would be, when each one of us on this planet is so vastly diverse and complicated? Adoptions are complicated, and so much is at stake when navigating through the adoption process. That’s why it’s extremely important for those involved to CLEARLY state their desires and hopes so that the adoption outcomes are as positive as possible. Adoption is a give-and-take situation, and just as all families experience complications in their relationship exchanges, so do the families involved in adoptions. Myth: Open adoption is co-parenting. Fact: There is no “co-parenting” involved when only one side of the equation deals with 100% of the feedings, vomiting, smiles and poops. The reality is that, as close as I am – or wish to be – with my children's biological parents, I get ALL of the parenting responsibilities. As parents, my husband and I experience and oversee every single aspect of the lives of the children entrusted to our care. So no, you will not be co-parenting. Might I ask your opinion on some aspects of adoption that affect us all, sure. Might we want to inquire as to how you would like certain things in regards to how we present aspects of your life addressed, sure. But in truth, the parenting is 100% the adoptive parents responsibility. Myth: Open adoption eliminates the lifetime feelings of loss a mother experiences after placing her child for adoption. Fact: Not a day goes by that I don’t think about the fact that my children's First Moms have lost the children they carried under their hearts for nine months, but I hope to ease some of those feelings of loss by sharing our children's lives with them. Myth: It is better for my child if I just move on with my life after adoption and leave them with their “real” parents? Fact: As an adoptive parent, I’m not sure whether I’m qualified to answer this question. My belief is you cannot possibly give birth to a child and then simply move on and ignore either the reality that you had a child or that you placed him or her for adoption. You too are their "real" parents, and denying your child a place in this reality will cause problems in the future if they seek you out and want to be part of your lives. I also believe that the parents, whether First or Adoptive, must take on a joint responsibility to manage an adoption responsibly, and that means that as a parent, First or Adoptive, you MUST deal with your own issues within the equation so they don’t get passed on to the child. I want my children to feel happy as they grow, not worried about whether they will hurt me when they love and engage with their birth parents. I also don’t want my children to feel overwhelmed by their birth parents’ unhealed or ignored grief over the adoption. Myth: Birth parents are not “real” parents. Fact: Ten thousand diapers have made me feel pretty real! LOL! When it comes to adoption, I think the word "real" is just a natural way people explain the concept of "first" or "original." |