My view on being an Adoptive Parent in an OPEN Adoption
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But first, let me tell you a bit of my own story. My son had a birth mom who did, and still does, struggle with life. She has given birth to 5 children, and she has lost each one of them for different reasons at different times. I love her. But no one ever taught her the skills that are required to be a parent. Still, as I’ve already said, I love her. After all, she gave me her child, and my heart will forever be open to her for that reason. My daughter's birth mom was very young when she found out she was pregnant, so she chose to place her baby girl for adoption. Eventually, she had another child whom she chose to parent. She is my friend, my "sister," and she is now the guardian of our children if anything should ever happen to me and my husband.
With this page, my goal is to help those considering adoption by suggesting some new ways for them to perceive adoption and to answer some of their questions:
With this page, my goal is to help those considering adoption by suggesting some new ways for them to perceive adoption and to answer some of their questions:
What if the first mom changes her mind and ever wants her child back?
After the waiting period ends, my husband and I became the parents of our children on their birth certificates, and we ARE their PARENTS ... PERIOD. This is a silly question really, because in Canada, if you follow the laws and approach your adoption with integrity and honesty, and the adoption papers have been signed and accepted and processed legally, YOU ARE YOUR CHILD'S PARENTS. But this isn't something that happens only on paper; it has to happen in your HEART.
Do you ever truly feel that this child is YOUR child?
I often encourage prospective adoptive parents to go ahead and accept their responsibility as a child's "real" parent; in other words, accept that they belong to their children and their children belong to them. As an adoptive parent, your GOAL should be the health and safety of your child. Be open, be loving, and KNOW you are their parent. If you know that in your heart, so much can become available to you! If the First Parent has a complicated situation, don't shield your child from that reality. Explain to them your love of their First Parent, but keep them safe. If their First Parent is kind and safe, open your heart to them. Don't let your insecurities about being “a real parents” cloud your judgement. It is NOT you children’s responsibility to make YOU feel safe. That is YOUR JOB!
Why have an open adoption?
My father never knew his birth parents. Almost 70 now, he will die never knowing who they were. What does that feel like? How does that change a person? This is something I am not willing to let my children experience. I never want my children to spend their lives wondering about their history. Yes, I’ve met people who have led successful adoptive lives with great parents, but those people never really know the answers to their questions about their roots. They say they had great lives and are curious, but that they don't want to hurt the feelings of their adoptive parents.
My own feeling on the matter is that I don’t want my children to ever have to process this complication. And I never want my kids to think they can't investigate their roots because they don't want to hurt my feelings. I will not ask my children to parent my insecurities. They will grow up knowing their truths, in a positive light, with no questions lingering. PERIOD.
My own feeling on the matter is that I don’t want my children to ever have to process this complication. And I never want my kids to think they can't investigate their roots because they don't want to hurt my feelings. I will not ask my children to parent my insecurities. They will grow up knowing their truths, in a positive light, with no questions lingering. PERIOD.
Isn't it scary to have a First Mom love your child?
No. My daughter's First Mom,
Amanda
, is a brilliant part of our lives. Most importantly, she includes our son Mac in her life. She LOVES him too; she accepts us a unit. Amanda is a good soul, a great mom, a loving woman. Why wouldn't I want our daughter to know her love? Might our daughter try to play us against each other in her teen years? Sure, maybe. But we talk about these things all the time, with care and consideration for each other’s feelings. We have open discussions. We treat each other with respect. Does it work? Yes! Because we are all on the SAME TEAM. Our goal? Not “winning,” but giving our daughter the safety and support of a unified team of support. Amanda is the legal guardian of BOTH our children in the sad event of my husband’s and my death, and her son is factored into this arrangement as an equal participant too. Seriously, who could raise our children with the same love we hold for them other than the woman who carried one of them under her heart for nine months? I love the fact that, when I die, my children will not be motherless. I love the idea of Amanda and me holding hands as our children walk down the aisle to get married. Amanda is my friend, and we share something beautiful and unique and amazing: our children.
What if the First Mom isn't safe for our child to be involved with so intimately?
Our son Mac's First Mom is a woman with her own innately human struggles and tribulations. Mac once said to us, "Do you even like her?" We answered, "YES! We love her! She gave you life and she is a child of God. We are sad she has had extra struggles, but she always has our support. We want her to be happy and safe." Still, we have to be mindful of the fact that she does have these struggles, and in spite of our love for her, when it comes to our son’s well-being, we have to ask ourselves some tough questions. For example, would I let my our son sleep at her house? No. Because as a parent, my job is to keep him comfortable, safe, happy, and secure, and I couldn’t guarantee that for him in her care. All of this means that I have to walk a fine line between upholding my responsibilities as a parent and making sure that my son continues to see his birth mom in a positive light. If you diminish a child's roots, they intrinsically take that on, and you can't erase the damage. EVER.
Mac once said to us, "You saved me, didn't you?" We replied, "You saved us." And he did. He is the most incredible thing that has ever happened to us: our firstborn. The day his First Mother gave birth to him and entrusted him to us was the most BRILLIANT day of our lives. It was the end of our sadness and suffering, and for the rest of our lives, we will honour her and be grateful to her for the most amazing boy who EVER existed!!!!!!
Mac once said to us, "You saved me, didn't you?" We replied, "You saved us." And he did. He is the most incredible thing that has ever happened to us: our firstborn. The day his First Mother gave birth to him and entrusted him to us was the most BRILLIANT day of our lives. It was the end of our sadness and suffering, and for the rest of our lives, we will honour her and be grateful to her for the most amazing boy who EVER existed!!!!!!
What if you have an open adoption and the First parent just shows up at your house unannounced or gives unrequested advice?
What do I say? Embrace your parenting role and the responsibilities that come along with it, but at the same time, embrace a giving and loving heart. Set your boundaries, but recognize where "unwanted" advice or intrusions might come from. Perhaps your First Parent just wants you to know they still care or that they didn't "give away" their child. We all struggle, we all have hardships, but we should also take the time to acknowledge the struggles and pain of those around us. Has your own infertility clouded your belief that you deserve to be a parent? Would you feel things would be easier if the First Parent just disappeared, or do you feel that their bad decisions give you an excuse to eradicate them from your life?
Obviously, outright dangerous First Parents need to be kept away from their birth children for the safety of the child, but in reality, as a parent, you need to be able to make decisions about your child based on what will be best for him or her, not just what is easiest for you. And ALL children, as I have mentioned, need to feel OK about where they came from. If you present yourself as their saviour, you also present yourself as a saviour to someone who needed saving, and a child can very easily interpret that as "I am unworthy." Be careful that your own issues don't follow your child throughout their life.
Obviously, outright dangerous First Parents need to be kept away from their birth children for the safety of the child, but in reality, as a parent, you need to be able to make decisions about your child based on what will be best for him or her, not just what is easiest for you. And ALL children, as I have mentioned, need to feel OK about where they came from. If you present yourself as their saviour, you also present yourself as a saviour to someone who needed saving, and a child can very easily interpret that as "I am unworthy." Be careful that your own issues don't follow your child throughout their life.
My dream
Based on my father
Larry Fuller's
experience, I always said that I wanted my children to know where they came from, without fear. Down the road, in their adult lives, I want them to be able to say, "I wanted to find my First Parents, and my Mom was like 'hey, let’s do that!'" But I decided to take things one step further. What if my kids never had to go searching because they already knew? Proof that my husband and I made a good decision in that regard: My daughter said to us recently, "I don't know if I want to adopt a child or give birth because if I only give birth, my child won't have a Birth Mom." YAY! My son said to me, "I have one Mom, and a birth mom" (yes, lower case).
Our kids are different human beings. They have different personalities. They have different stories. But we parent both children to know that they are ALLOWED to be who they are, and feel the way they do ... even if that is “differently.” There’s one thing that’s the same for both of them, though: they both feel incredible love, incredible kindness and an ABSOLUTE SENSE OF BELONGING, exactly where they are today. Period.
Our kids are different human beings. They have different personalities. They have different stories. But we parent both children to know that they are ALLOWED to be who they are, and feel the way they do ... even if that is “differently.” There’s one thing that’s the same for both of them, though: they both feel incredible love, incredible kindness and an ABSOLUTE SENSE OF BELONGING, exactly where they are today. Period.
I know...
Trust me, I know how hard it is to be infertile. I know what it’s like to have a dream, a marriage, a platform that doesn't pan out. I know what it feels like to have a child growing in your womb and then to have that child slip away. I understand the loss of a child, and the hope and desire that fades away with it. I know what it’s like to inject tens of thousands of dollars you don't have for a mere "chance" that ends in a positive pregnancy test, and then comes a period. I know. But what I also know is that, without all that struggle, I would not have the children I have today. And I would do it exactly the same way a million times over just to have those same two amazing human beings, Mac and Maddy – my kids – that I have today. I adore them with ALL my soul.
Being a parent is all you can imagine, but remember to be open to what else being a parent can be. We are confined by our culture in terms of what being a "real" parent is, but I challenge you to STRETCH THAT IDEAL! Be a better parent, give your child all you can, open yourself to more than you ever thought you could ... AND YOU WILL CHANGE THE WORLD!
Being a parent is all you can imagine, but remember to be open to what else being a parent can be. We are confined by our culture in terms of what being a "real" parent is, but I challenge you to STRETCH THAT IDEAL! Be a better parent, give your child all you can, open yourself to more than you ever thought you could ... AND YOU WILL CHANGE THE WORLD!